You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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