Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
