I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
