I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I need to wash the frat house off of me
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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