If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
