I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
