i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
