just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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