this just has baby written all over it
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You ate ashes out of my bong
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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