I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
