k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
