My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
