I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
