I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
