Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
