From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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