Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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