Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
