I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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