walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
