Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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