Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
