i permit you to call me
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
