So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
bring money and cleavage
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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