dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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