So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
