Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
