i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
