I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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