I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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