I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
