I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
