Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
