Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
