I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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