I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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