no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
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I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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