yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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