this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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