uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
