I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
