And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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