Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
