I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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