i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
