Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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