i don't plan on having that self control this summer
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
