GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
