Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Randomize
