I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
