4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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