I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
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I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
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True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend