I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
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He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
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We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.