WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
