if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
