Me. At least after what I've been through.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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