My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
