The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Randomize
